Earlier this week, I had a strange phenomenon greet me and, surprisingly, it involved my self-published book. I announced in a previous post that I would be participating in some “strength training” for my voice in preparation for creating the audio book for Playground . . . I mentioned that I would be reading my book (out loud) daily to get into the practice of hearing my voice read my book and building up my voice for the endurance needed to record a fluid and audio-pleasant presentation. Well, something interesting happened . . .
I found it incredibly difficult to pick up my book and actually read the words within it. It’s like I’m allergic to my own book. I’ve been purposely avoiding it since I posted I would be reading it out loud for audio book practice. What in the world? What do you call this unwelcomed phenomenon? It’s not self-doubt because I know all too well what that feels like and this is something different. Maybe I should label it the “Art of Avoidance” and try to give it a positive spin by using the word art. No, it’s not an art form; it’s down right irritating. And, I’m going to need to get over it, as I haven’t been able to start my verbal reading regimen yet.
It’s ironic that I was slightly nervous (but surprisingly calm) when I clicked the “Publish” button on Amazon. I even held it together when I knew people were buying Playground . . . and possibly reading it. However, it’s only now, reading my book (for the first time) in its entirety since I self-published it, that I’m feeling a little anxiety and somewhat nervous about what I might find and how I’ll respond to what I find. I realize that I just self-published Playground . . . in September; but even in this short distance of time, I’ve grown as a writer and my lenses that I now look out of have a slightly different prescription (perspective in the writing process). In other words, my critiques of my work are going to be more harsh.
I almost feel a sense of — we’ll call it “fear” for now — fear in picking up my book to read it, because it’ll force me to go back to self-correct mode. That time in my writing journey was the worst first impression of editing ever. I kept second guessing myself, reworking my manuscript over and over again, and making it harder on my editor to do his job, which ended up delaying the publication of my book. It was just an uncomfortable place to be in. Sure, no one’s perfect; therefore, no one’s writing will be perfect or be all things to all people. But, I already knew that, which is why I eventually let the book go.
I could have gone on and on with the editing part of the writing process and still been editing to this day. Not because I enjoy editing, but because the human mind will always find something to nit-pick. For this reason, it brings me to a pain point to be reading my first book again, because I don’t want to slip back into that over critical/judgmental mode. And, here’s some of the rhetoric I’m sure I could easily slip into:
- Why did I say that?
- Why did I say it like that?
- What was I thinking when I wrote that?
- This isn’t complete enough. Why didn’t I develop this section more?
- How did I not catch this? I read the thing a bijillion times.
- Does this even make sense to the reader? I understand it, but did I write it so that everyone else can?
- Should I just rewrite the book and republish it?
The editing process of my first book is fresh in my memory. It’s vivid in my mind . . . the rereading, the finding mistakes and correcting, the rewriting, and the repeat cycle that I eventually was able to escape from in order to finally get my book published. Self-editing was and still is my least favorite part of the book writing process. I say “still is” because I’m currently in this part of the process with my second book. Ugghh!
And since I’m editing my second book, why would I want to go back and relive the editing process all over again with my first book? It was bad enough the first go-around. What I’m saying is that I have a fear of finding things I want to correct in my already published work. Oh, I already know they’re there and I’ll be finding them as I read, but is it worth going back and changing those “somethings” that I find, or should I just leave well enough alone?
To answer my question, I think there’s only one thing to do. I must force myself to shake this book reading paralysis I’m experiencing (Maybe I’ll call it that!) and just start reading the book already. And, if I think there are some substantial changes that should be made, then I’ll make them and republish the book. If not, then I need to be okay with leaving it as is. In fact, I refuse to be a perennial editor. It’s just not my thing. Ultimately, I’m happy with my imperfect work, because I know what I put into it. A lot of heart and soul. And that should be more than enough. Now, if I could just train my complex brain to accept what the heart and soul has already accepted, then I can move on.
NEXT WEEKLY REPORT ⇒ I’ll let you know if I finally got over the reading paralysis. I’m hoping that today will be that day.
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